I-Miss-You Letter

I don't understand how come after these 26 years me living in this world, ibu sometimes still have no idea how to deal with me?

U and i are so much alike. I know exactly how it feels to be u being with her pa.. I do love her, but i love her more when she talks less. If she doesn't understand my silence, how will she understand my words?

I understand how u tried to unite ibu and me. Children are supposed to be closer with mother, means whatever happens they'll come back home. And mother is supposed to always say nice things cos every word she says becomes prayer.

Why did not let me get closer to u sih pa?

I need money but it's not that, how much u left us is more than enough. I need ur strength, ur prayers, ur words, ur spirit that u always had. I need u. Noone ever told me that life was gonna be this way. I know u knew it all but we did not get so much chances to talk. U were so busy.

Last day we met, it was sunday. U got a schedule to stay in d hospital, at lunch u came to big family gathering in eyckman. We all were already there. We didn't speak only said hi, looked at each other from distance and smiled. We met again at home in d afternoon, we didn't speak. On d next day, i didn't get a chance to see u cos u left home at 3am for surgery. In d evening ibu got a phone call and we had a bad feeling. They said u looked fine, u even said to all d patients in ICU to get well soon but all of a sudden, u left us all with no goodbye :'(

Then 2 months after that kakang had to leave to spore. I know u could see me crying in d airport. It was a bit embarrasing but i couldn't help it, too painful! Ibu didn't shed a tear cos she's way tougher than me. It was really heartbreaking. So nothing could really break my heart again cos it's broken already.

U see kakang is soon to be a father. I know he'd be a great one like u. I love u both! He's now building his house pa, like u wanted him to do for d one u had in dago pakar but this one is in jkt. U must be very proud of him. I am too. Today he told me that miraculously d rain stopped when they started pouring d concrete. U're always behind every miracle. We can always feel u. Whenever we remember u, we remember Allah. U were our miracle pa.. We do thank Allah to have known u, to be part of u.

Sorry i was so cold to u sometimes. If i were d one i am now, i would laugh at all ur jokes. U were a funny man pa, really hehe.

I miss u. So much. More than ever.

This sunday there'll be big family gathering in eyckman, coincidently on d day of ur supposed-to-be 65th bday. Sure we'll talk about u. Everywhere i go ppl still keep talking bout u.. Cos u're irreplaceable. Sending u Al-fatihah all d time, u deserve that sir!

We'll see each other again in dreams pa, though u never say anything but a big hug always means a lot to me :) and could u pls tell Allah that i need His help a lot at these times? Thank you, cos u're closer to Him. I'll be alright pa, don't worry ;)